Sharing Ourselves

Posted on June 1, 2009 by mcallister

by Alan McAllister, CCHt PhD-phys

In relationships of all sorts there are some aspects of ourselves that we bring to the table and others that we keep to ourselves. Which aspects we bring and which we keep varies a great deal from one relationship to another. What feels appropriate for a collegial relationship at work is usually different from what we bring to an intimate personal relationship.

Like most things in life there are no real hard and fast rules; there may be colleagues who are friends and our friends may be interested in our work, but generally we share unique aspects of ourselves in each relationship.

A deeper distinction is between sharing thoughts and feelings. While some thoughts may be intimate in nature, for most of us it is the feelings and our ability to share these in a relationship that is more a measure of the depth of the relationship. Most particularly our feelings about the other person and about ourselves.

You may at times have met people who were “too open”. Who seemed to toss their emotions/feelings all over the place. We need to take a page from the book on Non Violent Communication, and notice that there are many things that can masquerade as “feelings”. If I say that “I feel you are…” what comes next is most likely a judgment or a thought in disguise. This sort of “sharing” is usually not so constructive.

The idea that the more we share in a relationship the better is worth looking at a little. This is perhaps best framed as a quality versus quantity issue. What are we sharing? If I am sharing judgments, or opinions, or advice in any form, it is not likely to be well received, unless you have specifically asked for this. So what is quality sharing?

Often I am wanting to share my bright side, my abilities and skills. Not that this is wrong, but if it is all I do, then there is a lack of depth and balance. My friends or partners may feel I’m holding back, or being dishonest. So I may be encouraged to share some of my less brilliant side, even my shadow aspects.

Many of us are looking for this, to be able to safely “open up” to share sorrow, pain, anger, with another. If it can be done honestly and in a place of sharing, rather than projecting, or demanding help or healing, then it can be freeing for us and help to deepen a relationship. The key is ownership. Can I own my shadow as I share it, or am I simply projecting it on you, or asking you to take it for me?

The extent to which a relationship has space (with ownership) for the shadow as well as the light is often seen as a measure of its strength and depth. However, there is another level of “opening up” which is even more profound.

We have been discussing aspects personality, who we are as human incarnations this lifetime. Some of this we are glad to show and other parts we tend to protect or hide. When creating relationships where we can open this up, is a good thing, taking it to the level of the soul is what is really profound. As souls what we really seek is to connect to other souls, to be seen as souls and to be allowed to see others on this level. We have often learned to hide this part of ourselves, sometimes even from ourselves, but when we have the courage and the freedom to “be ourselves” with another person it transcends the level of light and shadow of the personality.

When we can connect and experience support on the soul level then the issue of shadow aspects is much less important. We ourselves are more able to take ownership and heal them. The fact that someone can see us as a soul and appreciate us on that level trumps the personality levels. Here, also, ownership is important. We need to connect to ourselves, find our own soul, before we can share it. A lover or friend may help us in this, but we can learn to drop into this deeper level of self. It’s there waiting for us. We need to balance true opening on this level with ownership and transmutation of the shadow aspects of the personality. Skipping over that will eventually come back to haunt us.

Starting with your relationship with yourself, openness is something to cultivate, but with clarity and honesty. Most importantly with ownership. No matter how open we are on the personality level, even with ownership, it is the soul that we are seeking, in all our relationships. To connect to it and express it clearly and cleanly is what we have come here for.

So take some time to reflect on your relationships, what and how you are sharing. Seek ownership on all levels and open your self to dropping into your own soul before sharing it with others.

May all your relationships be full of the breath of soul.

(© 6/2009)

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The Story Teller

Posted on May 15, 2009 by mcallister

I have a story teller in my head. Do you?

I’m getting ready to go to a party, something I haven’t done in a while. A friend has invited me, but I don’t expect to know any one else. In my mind I’m telling myself stories from high school, with the theme of being a wall flower.

I’m heading for a meeting with some friends. We are going to have a little food and work on some plans for a program we are co-creating. My story teller is working through every time I am ignored, out of place, somehow not really part of a group.

My son is coming home from school, and I’m running stories about how we don’t have anything to say, or I say the wrong things; or ignore him because I’m afraid that I’ll say the wrong things, or …. The story teller is prolific.

Years ago: I’m in Hong Kong flying back to Tokyo the next day, and my story teller is creating the next great airplane disaster movie, and I’m trying to decided if this is a premonition or just the story teller spinning yarns.

Sometimes I’m pissed at the story teller, sometimes I buy it. Over the years I figure he is just trying to keep me safe, by making up all these fearful scenes. After all, I was taught growing up that the world is a scary place (not that it isn’t at times) and that somehow being scared, or figuring out the awful things that might happen will help me out?

I’ve met others who had an inner part that had a similar assignment; keeping files on all the nasty things that might happen in life. Perhaps you know this part?

These days I know that what I think has power in the world. Not sure exactly how much, but it does have power, especially when it’s backed with an emotional charge.

If I show up at a party or meeting expecting emotionally unpleasant things to happen, feeling down on myself, is this likely to help me? or perhaps to create the states of being ignored, or un-received that the story teller is conjuring up? Even if they were real sometime, then isn’t now.

So today I’m working with my story teller to create positive stories, ones that I can feel good about. They may not happen (any more than the plane disaster) but at least I’ll be happier, and being happier I’m more likely to create something that feels good.

So I walk into the party as me, centering in myself, ready for an adventure with some new human beings, minus the nasty stories, the old disappointments, and I have a good time.

On the way to my meeting I can feel my mood shifting, and when I get there I find myself actually celebrated rather than ignored. We have a great time co-creating and hanging out.

As for my son.. we’ll see, but I am going to find my space, let go of the old voices and have my story teller come up with some wonderful scenes for the summer ahead.

If your stories are working for you, God bless you. But if you have a story teller that feels life has to be film noir, try negotiating an attitude adjustment. The next time you notice yourself “rehearsing”something, ask him or her to create the best story that they can come up with: give them a creative challenge, and if even a fraction of your stories come true, you’ll have a wonderful summer.

And if there is a part of you that “can’t believe it”, make it a game of “make believe”, and create some new beliefs. At least you can choose a more pleasant in-flight movie.

(© 5/2009)

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Successful Life

Posted on May 1, 2009 by mcallister

Every so often you may find a headline that says something like “Successful Businessman Commits Suicide”.

This begs the question: if he was so successful, why did he commit suicide? Leaving aside the various possibilities of movie thriller drama, we come to potential conflicts between social and personal success.

We know many definitions of success having to do with money, fame, beauty, power etc. External measures that are the result of efforts on the public stage. We are taught to strive for this success, and to at least present the appearance of it. Some of us do a pretty good job. Or we may give up and go for couch potato land, but we are still buying into the same definition, even as we decry it.

How much space is there collectively or personally for a different sense of success; one which is based on being happy, on feeling appreciation for ourselves and our life? How many George Bailey’s are there out there in real life, in the 21st century?

Several years ago I did a short reading for a man who seemed to be quiet successful in the conventional sense, while I hardly thought of myself that way; and yet I found myself giving him permission to do what he wanted to do in his heart! Something that for all his success, or perhaps because of it? he couldn’t do for himself.

The Chinese have an old saying that you shouldn’t refer to a man as having a good life, until he has had a good death. When we consider ourselves such failures that we decide to leave early, can we be said to have had a good life, not matter how “successful” we have been?

On the other hand, like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life, when we buy into the material sense of success, how often do we judge ourselves harshly in spite of having had a good life in an inner sense, in a quieter sense?

Spiritually, communally, perhaps a simple quiet life, is a triumph, a great success; especially if we can own it for ourselves. To live a long life without substantial regrets; to love another for 40 or 50 years; to raise children and know your grandchildren; to be willing to help others in practical matters, share one’s enthusiasm, work hard and practice patience; are these not a form of inner, perhaps even spiritual, success.

Most importantly; to live by one’s own standards, whatever they are, to take life on one’s own terms, and measure success by the impulses of your own heart, is this not what we come here to do? Perhaps this leads to being a CEO, or perhaps it is being a janitor, a nurse, a parent, or many things in between, but to be a contented human being on one’s own terms is not an easy feat! To quietly put aside the striving and simply model being present as a kind and happy human being, seems also a courageous and admirable way to live.

May you find the grace to appreciate who you are and be content with the calling of your own heart. You will greatly enrich all our lives.
For my Father

(© 5/2009)

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Timely Dreams

Posted on April 15, 2009 by mcallister

Living in the present is a goal that most of us have heard about or have been actively working towards. Pulling our energy out of the future and back from the past so that we can be alive here and now is taught in many traditions.

But what about our dreams? In the culture we are supposed to have dreams in our youth, which we stick to, or give up, or chase, or realize. It is generally recognized that having dreams is a good thing (unless all you ever do is dream), but that in practice many of us should “face reality”, grown up and put them away.

Giving up on our dreams, as you know, is dieing inside. Our dreams come from Spirit and our soul, and in giving them up we lose ourselves. So we should stick with our dreams, in spite of mixed social messages.

Recently I was working with someone and I realized that their space was full of old dreams. This is partly due to the funny things that time has been doing lately, so the “usual” linearity has begun to scramble a bit, meaning that the phrase “all things are now” is happening more obviously.

As I looked at these dreams though I noticed that being “old” they were therefore out-of-date. They had been dreamt in the past and had not really changed. Like many old things, frozen in time (even though they were wandering into the present), they were also somewhat lifeless.

It became clear that not only do we need to keep our dreams, but we should be refreshing them, letting them evolve with us and our experience and situation in the world. Perhaps more than other aspects of life they should not be cast in stone.

Imagine an artist who has a vision and then endlessly repeats the same work of art. What starts fresh and full of life and insight, becomes old and stale. The dreams of our youth, should not be given up, but they should be allowed to evolve.

How many ways do those of us who hold our dreams become trapped in them? Dreams are not something that should hold us hostage; they should set us free. Just as we know that dreaming someone else’s dream is unlikely to satisfy our soul, dreaming an old dream is also out of sync with who we are today.

“Living the dream” is not acting out a dream from long ago, but speaks to allowing your dream to live, to grow and change, just as you do.

May your dreams be always fresh and full of joy and life.

(© 4/2009)

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Havingness

Posted on April 1, 2009 by mcallister

There is an old proverb about letting things go in order to receive them. This is usually referenced to relationships, how we have to release people in order to have them truly come to us. The hard part being that if we expect them to come back then we have not really let them go, have we?

Its not just relationships for which this may be said. In some manifestation processes the last step, after working on the vision of what we want in various ways, is to cast it out to the universe to come back to us. We have to surrender at some point in order to receive.

Surrendering is a state of neutrality, in which receiving or not receiving are both options. It is not that when we surrender, the universe will do everything the way we want it to. If we still have expectations, we still have attachment.

Perhaps it is that if we are full of need and want, expectation and attachment there is no space for the things we think we want to show up. Perhaps it is about the level of our being that we are experiencing? Is it the egoic level of judgment, need, and attachment? or the spiritual level of knowing that we are held and supported Spiritually through everything?

In healing work the opposite is also true. Until you can allow something to be, it cannot change. Until you can have it, you can not release it. Until we move through resistance to a place of neutrality the deep healing can’t happen.

This doesn’t mean we have to like it, or approve of something, but we have to accept that it is there. How can you change something that is not there?

Several years ago I started some deep body work because I had some lower back issues. One of the first things that came up was pain associated with an old scar in my belly. A hernia operation when I was 3 months old, that I had been carrying for nearly 50 years. It never particularly bothered me, but it sure was painful when worked on.

I had to find it and allow it to be, before I could clear and release it. This is true on many levels and there are ways of safely working with deeper things. But when I stopped holding onto that pain, space was made for something else to be present. Knowing it was there I was able to make a choice to let it go.

To adapt the poet:
True havingness is a place beyond giving and receiving, in which Life is: flowing and changing. In that place were we can allow things to be or not be, anything is possible. Allowing something to not be we can create it, allowing something to be we can release it.

Join me on the journey to that place of havingness, in which process we may discover what we really need.

(© 4/2009)

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