Shadow Boxing

Posted on October 16, 2013 by mcallister

by Alan McAllister, CCHt PhD-phys

Have you ever had an ongoing pain in your body? Perhaps in your back, or a knee, or shoulder? Pain is a message from your body that something is hurt or out of alignment; something needs attention. You might try to ignore it, perhaps using medication to reduce or mask the pain. The body will do its best to adjust as well. Muscles will tense around the hurt, protecting it through immobilization. After a while though, these muscles are likely to get sore themselves, and perhaps throw other adjacent areas of the body out of alignment. The pain gets worse, harder to ignore; something is still calling for attention.

Over time we may react to that part of ourselves with anger or fear; for causing us so much pain, for limiting the things we can do physically, for resisting our efforts to make it go away. The tension and pain are becoming emotional and psychic now. They are still not the fundamental problem though. The initial injury, which has never been addressed lies at the core of things, all the rest is due to the body’s attempts to call for help, or to protect and compensate as best it can.

A similar thing can happen emotionally or psychically. Most of us are uncomfortable with certain emotions, usually fear, anger and grief, although some may have trouble with joy or happiness. When these come at us from outside, or arise naturally inside in reaction to life events, we may push them away, ignore or cover them up. Over time we wrap them in projective layers and reactions, or new levels of compensation and internal support.

This growing mix becomes a part of what is often referred to as our shadow self, which includes things we perceive as dark. Anything and everything that we can’t or don’t allow ourselves to have and acknowledge consciously. Sometimes the darkness is due to the heavy/dense nature of the emotions and energies involved, sometimes just that the wrappings have become too thick. When there are aspects of self judgement, tinged with guilt or shame, these shadows become especially toxic.

We may be quite successful in keeping things out of sight and out of mind, but just as there are physical consequences due to propagating imbalances, there will be distortions in who we are and how we show up in the world. More significant perhaps is that the inner call for help, for attention, never dies, and generally gets louder over time. The more we resist and push something away, the more we add to the bundle of emotional and psychic energy involved.

As with the physical case, we can become angered, protective and reactive to the secondary affects, until it has all become quite a stew of different emotions, judgments, beliefs and energies. All of it wanting to surface, to unpack, unravel; to be recognized and to heal.

When shadow elements are mainly other peoples’ energies, and you can exorcise them, cut them out and throw them away. But in most cases, either at the core, or along the way, some of your own energies are part of the mix. It might be a piece of your own light, a talent or power protected or suppressed, or a darker emotional reactive layer. But what is part of your life force you can not throw away.

Sometimes people use warrior languaging around working with the shadow self. How can you fight yourself though? isn’t this what you have been doing all along? the more you push part of yourself away the more strongly it calls out to return and be recognized and integrated. Some emotions you may want to transmute first, but you still need to acknowledge and reclaim them, as they were born as protection, and are still part of your life force.

Like a cat chasing its tail, you can’t out wrestle yourself, and while you might be able to cut a sore foot off and leave it behind, you can never permanently throw away a part of your own life force, which is what your emotions are. It will always follow you home again and come knocking at your door.

You may wind up stripping off 90% of the mess, if it came from other people, but you need to own and integrate the 10%. Sometimes its the other way around, there is a wounded core that needs to go, but 90% is your energy that has been trying to deal with it over time.

An antagonistic, resistant, attitude has always been a part of the problem, and is not helpful to the solution. Strength and courage are important attributes the warrior brings to inner work, necessary to be in acceptance and compassion for your shadow, but the whole trick is to shift the relationship from a battle to a dance; from opposition to cooperation. Releasing what is not yours, it will go easily once you stop fighting it; reclaiming what is yours with appreciation and compassion, you gain vital life force, which can be used any way you choose now.

As long as you are scared of your shadow it will chase you to the ends of the universe, or resist you to the end of time, but when you connect into your deep light and come to the shadow fearlessly, with acceptance and curiosity, it will unfold itself, make itself know to you, and you will know how to release it or reclaim it. Out of it will come many Self gifts, including peace of heart, clarity of mind and that great inner spaciousness full of creativity and blessings.

(© 10/2013)

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It’s OK to Receive

Posted on October 2, 2013 by mcallister

Breathing in and letting go we renew ourselves with oxygen and life force several times a minute. Give yourself a deep, easy, breath, feeling the flow of life force through your body as you breathe.

Drinking water, juice or tea, we renew the inner sea that lives within our cells and veins. Give yourself a drink, one of many today, feel it slide down your throat and spread out in your belly. Consider the movement of tides and the flow of your blood.

Eating nourishing food, we supply our body with the atoms and transformed sunlight that make it up and keep it moving. Give yourself a fun snack and imagine the molecules and atoms spreading out to your cells, for a while, until they recycle back to the earth.

The energy of the Sun and the matter of the Earth, flow through you all the time, sustaining your life, as all life is sustained by flow. Your body receives these and creates and powers your physical form from them.

Your being is also supported by flows of spiritual energy, from the Earth and from the Heavens, that constantly replenish your life force. Weather you are consciously aware of them or not, they are there for you, unconditionally.

Just as the Sun is always shining on the Earth, these energies are always flowing from Source to Ground to sustain our beings. Just as we sometimes put up an umbrella or go into a building where the Sun can’t follow, we sometimes believe in mental conditions that hinder these flows.

While spiritual energies are always there for us we have to receive them. The air is always there for us, but we also have to breathe. Mostly we breathe without thinking, but it may be shallow, or constricted in many ways, or we may in tense moments forget to breathe, unconsciously holding our breath. The same can happen with the flows of life force.

You all know the airline instructions about putting your oxygen mask on first, then helping others. This is true for your spiritual energies as well. They are there unconditionally; no frequent spiritual miles needed. Allow yourself to relax and open to them, nourishing yourself. Then you can save the world.

It is easy in the midst of dealing with the physical changes and problems of life, especially traumatic ones, to forget to breathe. There is such an urgency to get things done. But we need to gently take care of our selves, to replenish our batteries, to let in a little TLC. You can do this and still get things done.

Sitting still for a minute or two, feel the Earth below you, beneath your seat, under your feet. Settle into her, release your burdens, notice her support and receptivity. Imagine the sky and space above you, and a flow of life force, with whatever qualities you need, flowing endlessly, gently, unconditionally, down over and through you. Breathe it in through your crown and flow out your feet, let it fill your body with your favorite color of light, or quality of sound.
I’ll invite you to stay present, don’t check out or go to sleep, rather allow your self to energize and come alive. Unless you need to sleep, in which case you can do that too.

Allow your self to receive without condition, without having to give back. Allow yourself to receive even while you are still in motion, still taking care of business, you don’t need to wait for a long break. Recognize the forces of the universe are always feeding you, invite them to flow into you anyway you need them to.

You are always connected to the flow of life. Breathe it in.

(© 10/2013)

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Hole, Holy, and Whole

Posted on September 15, 2013 by mcallister

by Alan McAllister, CCHt PhD-phys

Dissociation and Connection: the Psychic Effects of a Natural Disaster

a hole in my office

A few days ago, following several days of record rainfall, part of a mountain decided to slide down a gully that leads to the office building that I’ve been so happy to work in since last December. Fortunately it was nighttime and the area had been evacuated, so no one was there, only the building and some trees suffered.

The next morning when I saw pictures my landlord took, a hole was torn in the fabric of my life. It is a strange hole, in that nothing has happened to me physically. In someways it had less immediate impact than the leaks in my kitchen ceiling that I had been fighting all week, and finally sorted out the day before. On the other hand an area of my life had in that moment been changed, irrevocably altered by circumstances completely beyond my control.

I have talked recently with people about the dream like quality that our experience takes on when the usual references are left behind, through traveling, releasing ones family ties, or other circumstances that leave us very much in the present moment. Our waking experience usually occurs in the matrix of “normal”, or the patterns of daily life, home, work, family, friends, who we see and what we do. When this is dropped, or removed, there is a dreamlike quality to experience.

It can be interesting and fun to go to a new country and glide through it without the usual references. Though for some even this may be scary. But to have a piece of the fabric the mind so carefully weaves and tends simply cease to be, is terrifying. It is said that this lack of control is a key to an experience having a lasting traumatic impact.

I have been noticing how my being reacts to this hole in my world. There is a powerful impulse to do something, almost anything, rather than being alone with this emptiness and what it implies. Like the ants in an upset anthill, my thoughts scurry to figure out how to salvage my things, how to find new office space, how to help other people. To either repair the hole, or distract me from its presence. I recognize also the opposite impulse to sit on the sofa and watch a movie, or follow events online, somewhere between distraction and action.

A day later, after making a first attempt to get to my office, which I could see from the pictures was probably intact, I stopped at the bank and got talking with my teller. To my surprise I began to feel faint physically, light headed and slightly dizzy. I realized then how deep in my body being I have been impacted. Even another day later, writing this, I can feel emotions and energies moving in my self. Quite non-verbal and different from my usual experience of fear or anxiety.

What I know is that I need to stay with them. Not to figure them out, or fix them, but just experience them and let them flow. Like the flooding streams they will pass by in time. But only if I allow them to move through me.

Several things help. I was able later yesterday to get into my office (after the city had moved tons of earth an rock from the street below it). All my stuff is now sitting in my living room, something done, accomplished, saved. Just being there, connecting to the place physically, experiencing it directly, all the mud and rock and broken building helped ground me, to give me a bearing on what is real, to begin to replace the hole. All the people, family, friends, landlord, officemates who I met and talked with, sharing my experience also helps.

The doing releases some of the helplessness. The rest is community, the reassurance that although a part of the fabric was torn, the living threads of the people in my life where there and alive for me. I was able to meditate briefly in my space, to say hello to the natural energies that have supported me there, to thank them and say goodbye. This begins to say hello to the level beyond the physical which is still intact, and saying goodbye, even to a place, is always important.

I also take time to feel it all in my body, to slow down some of the doing, to ground myself and be present with myself and with Spirit. Then if there is something to do I can do it. Each time I let the energy rise in me, let it flow through me, I feel a little stronger and clearer afterwards. Releasing it all to Spirit I hand over the helplessness as well, deepening my trust. Wondering simply how it will play out, what doors will open as the old one closes? I balance being with doing.

Sometimes letting go is important, as is the place of being in that holiness that is undefined. When the physical and mental fabric of our life is too tightly woven we may feel safe, but perhaps we loose other things that are essential to living from our Spirit. So I wonder how fast I should replace everything. Perhaps there are new possibilities to weave into the space in the fabric?

Today I am grateful for how minimal my loss has been. I say prayers for all those who are struggling with their own losses, often much more than mine. I write a newsletter and tomorrow I start a class. I cook diner with my son. In between I sit with my body, following its feelings, grounding to the earth, feeling into the deeper web of life and love that our Spirits are part of, even when the personal/mental webs are torn apart. I am grateful for community and the practice in connecting to Spirit that makes it easier to let go and flow through even these potentially “traumatic” times.

My you all be well, safe, dry, and connected to the deep level of Spirit/Self that supports you always.

(© 9/2013)

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Essential Relationships

Posted on August 31, 2013 by mcallister

by Alan McAllister, CCHt PhD-phys

How do you conceive of your essential/soul Self? Feel into the possibilities: does it float above you?, hang out behind you?, live deep in your heart? or perhaps a bit of all of these and more?

Do you think of Self as being “outside” in some sense, ie. slightly other? What about your felt experience is more “inside”? Whatever you notice is a place to start exploring, connecting more to your Self. Notice if you are in relationship with it, or (at least at times) you are it and it is you!

As we evolve towards a more direct awareness of our essential Selves, your experience may change. From identifying with our human selves, located in our physical bodies, reaching “out” or “up” or “in” to find our essential Selves, we start to form a relationship, not because it is really “other” but because we are still identified mostly with our human self. As this shifts and we experience being our essential Self as well as our human self, the experience of relationship shifts, we can identify with both sides. With practice, and perhaps some grace, you come to experience these two aspects of who you are as one Being, woven together.

You have a right side and a left side to your physical body. Have you ever thought/felt into each of these? We usually breath through one nostril or the other, and if you check in you will find that you are mostly feeling one side or the other. With practice you can learn to inhabit either side, though they may feel different, or even to blend them into a whole, fully alive and conscious body. So also with your human and essential selves.

Most of us, identifying with our human self, have relationships with other people on this level, playing human roles that we tend to identify with: parent and child, teacher and student, lover and lover, leader and follower. However it is the essential Selves and Souls that animate the relationship, that determine the quality of it, as opposed to the form. Without this animation we are like actors on stage, who bring nothing of themselves to their roles, but simply mouth the words or even come into conflict over the proper details of the form, and our relationships are lifeless or worse painful.

Your essential Self is always with you, woven through the fabric of who you are, and with consciousness and acknowledgement animates whatever you do with the properties of the Soul. There is a level of Self that is present in all relationships with other humans. As we learn to identify more with our own essential Self, we become aware more consciously that there is always another Self on the other side of any relationship we engage in, including not just personal relationships, but work relationships and casual social interactions across a checkout counter at the store.

As human beings we work hard at our relationships, defend their forms, compete for control, occasionally learn to play with them, but usually take them seriously, as they define who we are.

As essential Beings we know that there is always a relationship of Selves, wrapped around and woven through each human relationship. We honor and connect with the other Self, whatever the roles are that we are playing. They take place within the container of this Spirit connection, which holds the space within which our human selves play out their roles. This has a great power to ease the human relationships, to facilitate accomplishing something, or just enjoying the dance.

Your essential Self is whole, connected, and certain. Its sense of well being is independent of what role it is playing, who is winning or losing, or any other human level of judgement or attachment. Partnered with another whole, connected, and certain Self, you are co-creating a play or dance of Selves. The exact form or outcome of the play is not as important as the quality of Self-participation which opens the door for inspiration, creativity and magic. Spirit has space to come and co-create with you now, transforming all your relationships to another level.

(© 8/2013)

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The Magic of Roses

Posted on August 16, 2013 by mcallister
magic of roses

Have you smelled a rose lately? or communed with nature in some other form; connected with a young child, an elder, or a beloved? something that was magical for you.

Perhaps you were already centered and present with yourself and the magic flowed easily. Perhaps you were a bit wrapped up in other things and the rose had to invite you to center and come present before you could really appreciate its magic.

Your ability to slow down and center, allows you to really experience Spirit-as-rose; openly, with love and curiosity. Whoever initiates this process it becomes a dance between two manifestations of Spirit. As you see the beauty in the rose, your heart opens and you become more present, fuller of love, more your Spiritual Self. As you become more present, the rose will too. Back and forth, Spirit saying hello to another aspect of Itself.

Smelling the roses is usually recommended because it puts you in a better space. You have to stop, let go of the swirl of mind and life, and center in yourself when you smell a rose. Even if you don’t do this initially, the beauty and smell of the rose will invite and encourage you to. You have to become present with yourself to be present with the rose, and that is part of the magic. The rose is beautiful, but it is also asking you to connect to your own beauty, your own magical aspect, your spiritual Self. All this you can receive from the rose.

Now consider, what is the affect on that rose, or other magical dance partner? When you are present in yourself, and appreciate the rose, perhaps with gratitude for what it embodies and the Spirit it manifests, what happens? That embodiment of Spirit-as-rose, becomes more present also. It begins to sparkle with the joy of being seen, being appreciated, being loved. Just as you do when your beloved appreciates you.

When you have danced your dance and leave a rose that you have appreciated, seen as beautiful, loved and perhaps had a conversation with, Spirit is more present, more embodied. This is called making Love. The dance creates a space for Love, Consciousness, Spirit to become more present and visible in the world, waiting for the next person (or bee) that comes along.

Your magical experience leaves a trace behind, as if there is a bit of rainbow light around the rose now. Perhaps the next person isn’t as inclined to reach for the magic, to stop and appreciate, but the extra Presence helps them to see, to connect. So the magic deepens, spreads, grows.

Imagine walking through your day looking for “roses”. Every time you appreciate a rose, a person, or even a garbage can as a manifestation of Spirit, it becomes a little more present as Spirit, a little more magical. You are leaving a trail of magic rainbows behind you wherever you go.

So take some time to smell the roses, for yourself, but also for the rest of us, and for the world. Please. Give yourself this gift of joy and you will naturally leave some behind for everyone else. I wonder what happens if we are all doing this as often as we think of it? Won’t you join me in finding out?

(© 8/2013)

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