Fire in Healing and Transformation: Fever Dreams and Star Births

Posted on July 14, 2015 by mcallister

by Alan McAllister, CCHt PhD-phys
published in Shakti Yogi Journal

Nataraj in star fire

Fevers often seem clearly to be healing processes. They come for a day, with few other symptoms, and then they pass. Occasionally they are part of a more serious process and last for several days. It can be hard to focus and stay present in the middle of a fever, but when I can, I can feel that they are burning through more than bacteria or viruses, they are helping to clear old emotions and stuck energy in my being.

Recently I had minor surgery on my abdomen. Lying in bed afterwards my attention was deeply focused into my body, pulled insistently there in order to track the messages that might indicate damaging stress in the muscles or the internal organs. Over the following days I noticed that the healing processes often generated a lot of heat. Heat that came from the formation of new cells and tissues, a creative process. As with the fire of lava, which can destroy but also produces new land, a new foundation for life, physical fire in the body is alchemical; it both clears and builds. Like the Kundalini, rising through the body to purify, but also to heal and recreate the tissues to handle higher frequencies of energy. [1]

Like all life, human beings exist as patterns in a flow of energy; like the eddies in a stream, through which water is constantly flowing, though the pattern remains essentially the same. Physically we need supplies of air, water and food flowing through us to sustain our form. Energetically we are nourished by the flow of life force from Source to Ground, whether we are aware of it or not. This is found in any tradition that works with energy; as the Chinese say, we live in the middle ground between Heaven and Earth, balancing their energies to create ourselves and live in the world around us. [2, something Chinese?]

In graduate school I did my thesis on the physics of a layer of fluid between vertical walls at different temperatures. The higher the difference the more complex the flow patterns of the fluid become. It self organizes to more efficiently transport heat between the boundary walls. Later I realized that this is a very simple model of life and evolution. On the manifest plane there are polarities everywhere, differences between hot and cold, positive and negative charge, light and darkness. The nature of energy is to flow from one to the other. Castaneda talks about the Eagle’s emanations, “fluid, forever in motion, and yet unchanged, eternal” which power the cosmos. [3] The Sun generates the flow of energy that powers the Earth, and we live in the resulting elemental whirls and eddies that flow on the surface of our mother Earth.

When energy flows through them, forms change as the system seeks to transport energy as efficiently as possible. Things that impede this flow are resistance and generate heat. On all levels there are then processes to clear the blocks and allow increased flow. This is evolution. This is what Kundalini does for us, or the fever that cleanses, so that there is more spaciousness for Spirit, for the Soul. The heat of the belly when food is being digested is probably the most common experience of fire in the body. When it is in balance it keeps us warm. When we eat too much, or things that don’t fit us the excess heat may make it hard to sleep.

Although the pattern in the stream is similar over time, it is always different too. Tomorrow, or next month it is likely to be quite different. In Hindu cosmology there are the three aspects of the Divine: Brahma, Visnu, Shiva, representing the three phases of the cycles of life: creation, preservation, destruction. [4] In this role Shiva is called Nataraj, the Lord of the Dance, dancing on the old limiting structures, creating space for new forms to emerge. This is not pure destruction, but the fire of creative transformation and alchemy, leading always to new creation.

In the flow of fluid the old pattern dissolves to be replaced by something new. The same with the stream. Our cells are born, maintained, and give way so that fresh cells can come into being. When we fear change and try to hold onto ourselves as a fixed form, we do not live, but frozen, begin to die. We strangle the natural flow that nurtures us. Without Nataraj clearing space with a Tandava dance (the dance destroying outmoded world views) [5], Brahma cannot create.

In the birth of new stars there is a phase called T-Tauri. [6] After a long accretion of gas and dust the growing star condenses to the point where it can ignite. Nuclear fire is born in its center and radiates outwards. This is the beginning of it’s stellar wind, which flushes all the loose gas and dust away from the star, into interstellar space. This allows the young star’s light to shine out unobscured, it becomes visible to the galaxy. The same way Kundalini turns on in the first chakra and rising upwards clears the body for Spirit to enter, to recreate our being on a higher level.

Whatever the consciousness of a star, it is also subject to the three phases of the material cycle. After the T-tauri phase, the nuclear processes in the heart of a star are the alchemy of creation, forging heavier atoms, the elements of life, including carbon and oxygen. And at the end of the star’s life, it may explode as a nova or super nova, seeding space with the atoms that will become the next generation of planets and be the building blocks of life. This is surely the dance of Tandava writ large.

In taking care of myself and giving attention to the natural processes in my body, I play the role of Vishnu, applying neutral awareness to nurture what is present. In giving my awareness I allow things to relax and open. Reducing any internal resistances, I create space for Spirit to enter in and help heal or create something new. Running Reiki on my abdomen continuously, I channeled extra life force energy to aid in the healing and regenerative processes. The fires of creation and transformation not only helped with physical healing, but also cleared some old energetic patterns, reworking my lower chakras, further opening my being. Some of that healing heat was certainly Kundalini Shakti at work.

When the fire of life comes to flow through us, we must release our fear. Fear is what generates destructive heat in a harmful sense, the product of resistance to the flow of life force that wants to sustain us, but as it increases also pushes us to open and evolve. [7] An electric circuit must reduce resistance to allow increased current, or it melts. Thus we personally experience the dance of Nataraj. All the spiritual arts teach that we must be present and aware, but let go and release our beliefs and patterns. Collectively, only by cultivating efficiency in our use of energy can we reduce the waste that is choking our planet. Only by attention to our food do we cultivate a smooth flow through our digestive system. The principles are fundamental and apply on all levels.

When Nataraj is dancing through your life or your body, be present with the heats of transformation and new creation. Hold them with gentle curiosity, relaxing to open and allow the flow to move through you as effortlessly as possible. Yield up any fear or resistance. This is the way small children and T’ai Chi masters live. Allowing life energy to flow through us does not deplete us, but gives us more to work with. Allowing the natural changes that increased flow provokes we can grow, evolve, creating what needs to come next, letting our full stellar power shine forth into the world.

1 Gopi Krishna, Living with Kundalini, Shambala, Boston, 1993.
2 A McAllister, Manifesting from Balance, May 2014, https://www.wholebeingexplorations.com/cms/archives/manifest/
3 C. Castaneda, The Wheel of Time, Eidolona Press, Los Angeles, 1998. p236
4 A McAllister, Life, Death, and Preservation, Nov 2014, https://www.wholebeingexplorations.com/cms/archives/ldp/
5 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nataraja
6 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/T_Tauri_star
7 A McAllister, Dreaming in the Fields of the Heart, SYJ Spring 2015, https://www.shaktiyogijournal.com/dreaming-in-the-fields-of-the-heart.html

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Perspective

Posted on July 3, 2015 by mcallister
mountain perspectives

Last weekend I spent a few days with my beloved camping in a high valley in the mountains. Near our tent there were hummingbirds chasing each other, wood peckers, ground squirrels, and a chipmunk. One morning a young buck wandered by. The sun and moon arched from one side of the valley to the other, shaded at times by the trees to one side of our tent, while the constant sound of rushing water came from the high brush on the other. Underneath us the ant people worked diligently as they do.

The sky overhead was sometimes clear and blue, or bright with nearly full moon and stars, at other times clouds painted varied patterns drifting in the high winds, or lowered gray and wet like a blanket stretched between the mountains. The thunder and rain came and went around the peaks on one side or the other, and one afternoon came straight through the valley.

I was struck by so many rhythms that danced and played around us. In only a few days. What would it be like in a year? From high summer with all the colors of the flowers, to the white of snow drifted winter. I wonder if Monet would have like to paint here?

Have you ever sat some place for a whole day, watching the changing appearance of a landscape, the clouds in the sky, or the tide coming and going? Sitting still the world is constantly in movement and rhythm around us. How can I know it from one instant, from one perspective, when it will be different in the next?

Long ago a Chinese painter wrote about painting a mountain. He said that to paint the mountain you had to know it. To know it you had to watch it from all its sides, in the different light of each hour of the day and each time of the year. With this complex perspective the mountain becomes not a single image, but a living composition reflecting all the rhythms playing out in the world around it.

At home on our front porch I’ve been enjoying the birds that live in the trees around our house. The woodpecker making a new home. The sparrows that moved in when he was away and are raising a family there. Their cousins nesting under the carport roof. The young robins being taught to eat the cherries that grow next door. Doves flying back and forth between the taller trees a block over.

Watching and also listening. Listening to the different voices and how they change during the day, when in flight, or resting in a tree. Slowly I realize that the sounds are not random, and only sometimes are they like a free song. Mostly they signify something to the other birds. Over time, experiencing these rhythms, things that might have seemed random begin to have meaning. I gain perspective and they come alive in deeper ways.

The birds in our trees, the clouds in a mountain sky, or the people you meet; all living things have internal rhythms, and responding to the rhythms of life around them they have external rhythms. To know something as more than a snapshot, a single instant of sound or image you have to learn the rhythms. Sometimes you can feel them by being still and letting the world dance around you. Sometimes you can move around the mountain. Either way you gain perspective and something comes alive in more of its dimensions.

(© 7/2015)

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Exploring Awareness

Posted on June 20, 2015 by mcallister
practicing awareness

In the cool early morning, I float out of dream time but my analytic mind is not yet operating. The sound of a lawnmower nearby is present. Then I notice the richly evocative smell of fresh cut grass. From a place in myself, I reach out for this smell, calling it to me and inviting it into my awareness. It resonates in my being, a deep, powerful, and simple experience.

Later I sit for meditation: working with my breath. Some times my mind drifts a little and I notice it wandering off. Occasionally it takes me with it, and I am lost in my thoughts, until awareness shifts back to breathing and I come present again. Other times it is my emotions that arise and either pass by my awareness or catch it up for a while. Like watching a movie, sometimes I remember I’m watching and sometimes I’m lost in the story.

Having a regular practice, every day is different. Awareness of my breath, of my physical being, of the flow or presence of energy, of thoughts and emotions, all different experiences. Always I return to my breath and even that experience varies. Physical flow using muscles, energetic flow that carries the breath with it, spirit flowing in a circle. I may think it, feel it, know it, or sometimes it moves me. Even something as simple as experiencing a smell, has many possibilities.

I find myself grateful for having this container to witness, or loose myself in, aspects of awareness. A regular practice is a great opportunity to notice them coming and going. Directly experiencing it through my body and being, or getting caught up in flows that come from the human levels of my self, or even finding those sweet still places which simply are. The practice provides a mechanism for anchoring my attention to my breath, which eventually pulls me back to being present. But it also provides a container to develop awareness of awareness.

I choose to be grateful for all these varied distractions. I could judge myself for allowing them to take me off track, but I sense that there is a power in learning how they work. At least in allowing awareness of these processes. In daily life out in the world, I would never notice these variations, until I was lost in them. In my practice I can learn to work with my awareness, not trying to control it forcefully, but by noticing its flows and tendencies. Like learning to ride a rushing stream, playing with how the water moves in different situations, but it’s all water. It’s all the flow of consciousness, attention and awareness.

In meditation the goal is to move beyond the distractions into the space of spirit, the void, the place of pure being. The exploration of awareness can help with that. Returning to being human, manifesting a life in the world, we need an understanding of how our awareness works, how to choose what to focus on, what to give attention to. This is the great power we have to create our own life. I learn to surf the stream, follow the flow, but consciously and with awareness, not simply swept along by the current of the movie.

I reach out and bring the smell of the grass into my being, relishing it as it livens my spirit, a fresh breath of life, a great way to start the day.

(© 6/2015)

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Self Worth

Posted on June 2, 2015 by mcallister
let worth speak

On a recent sunny afternoon I was walking with my beloved on a rain-green hillside above Boulder. In spite of the colorful flowers, clear blue sky, and my beloved’s company, I was a bit heavy at heart. A little inner questioning and exploration of the feeling brought up self worth, a sense of being unworthy, of disappointment in myself and how I am received in the world.

Wandering between flowering pine trees the inquiry turned next to which level of self is feeling the a lack of worth. Asking it to come forward I find myself engaged with a young child. My Self, the incarnated Soul, knows that it is worthy. Even when I am distressed it is always there underneath, providing a foundation. Over the years this has come to be more permanently available, and even my child knows that he is essentially worthy.

While the personal self starts off with the Soul’s memory and sense of worth, as it develops it becomes focused on the external world, so it wants other people to validate it. It is taught this, in school, in work, in life. Sitting on a rock, I can feel the self of my own worth, but also the young boy wanting so much to be recognized and validated, and that he wants to hear this from other people, not just from me, or my Self.

My beloved asks me to name out load the things my self wants to hear. A simple thing but it is like pulling teeth to let myself voice these things out loud. So many voices ring in my head saying that I’m above needing this, wanting to be ok without having someone say these things. I may have a sense of my qualities and worth, but it is immodest, unspiritual, arrogant to claim them.

A lot of resistance to speaking these inner needs, the wanting of my inner child. I feel ashamed to speak them myself, or to share them with my beloved. She is giving me permission, inviting me to share, and it’s still hard.

When, finally, I do speak them, the things I like about myself, that I want to be acknowledged, I feel unexpectedly better; lighter and more open hearted. I am now present with my beloved and the day.

My inner child self has been heard. The most important thing for parts of self, is simply to be heard. I don’t need to find other people to say these things, even if at first that was the inner desire and expectation. Voicing them out loud, I have released the self-judgement that I am being petty, needy, or all the other things.

Releasing self judgement.. hmm.. How can I feel worthy when I’m judging my self. Especially judging my self about how it wants to feel worthy. Not likely. Once I have listened to my child self, allowed my self to voice what I like about myself, what it wanted to hear, it has relaxed.

So at the end of the story it is not about being validated by others, but about releasing invalidation of my self. As long as that is there, how can any outer validation compete. Knowing that its not my Soul, or Higher Self, but listening to it anyway. Telling it what I appreciate about it, allowing myself to value my self, out loud.

Acknowledging the worth of my self, I more fully access the innate worth of Self.

(© 6/2015)

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Seeing an Iris

Posted on May 19, 2015 by mcallister
seeing an iris

Its a beautiful summer day. Walking along a neighborhood street, the mind is occupied with something it finds important. A little attention is scanning the scene; eyes brush across a bed of purple irises, move on.

There was an iris with several irises; like a photo, mostly form, mental recognition and labeling. Awareness has touched only the very surface. It is not seeing them now, but mind automatically filling in the form outline, following past experience with this or other iris beds.

Strong light from a clear sky spotlights the blooms, and awareness drifts back. Attention is called forth and this iris bed with specific irises is coming into focus. Details of how they look today are reaching conscious mind as the important thoughts begin to drift towards the background.

The irises are shaded and deeper purple outside petals, stripes inside, and lighter shades of lavender down deep. Each one catches the light a little differently, shows a unique face and attitude. Attention moves gently over them, noticing each one, tracing the petals, appreciating the variations of color and texture. The eyes are touching them now, caressingly appreciative.

Through the receptive eyes perception moves down into the heart. The irises reach out with the brilliance of their light, the softness of the silky petals, the uniqueness of their form. Attention is deepening and broadening into feeling. As it is drawn deeper into the irises, it arises from deeper inside.

Seeing from the heart and being, the irises are experienced below their surface. Like a kiss that draws you into the essence of a lover, awareness is drawn deeper. Glancing becomes looking, deepens into seeing, broadens into feeling. This iris is more than form and light now, it is life and essence. Perception evolves to an interactive experience. The mind has released its thoughts and is simply aware, a channel for the heart and the soul to engage the iris.

What was a sense of touching the iris, becomes a full co-creation in each moment. Seeing is not just passive reception, but an active interaction, shaping the iris and the perceiver in ways that are magical and unlimited in possibility. The essence of the iris is perceived from essence, pulling awareness deeper inside as well as out.

The Soul is dancing with Spirit in the fluid form of a iris, this iris, all irises. The iris is a fluid energy form, a construct of Spirit, shaped by deep perception. The soul is also fluid and alive, being shaped and imprinted by the iris. The universe is meeting itself in this moment of sunshine on a sidewalk, and nothing will ever be the same.

There are layers to awareness, to perception, and to being. The deeper we drop into them the closer we come to the place where the universe is constantly being created and recreated, we become a participant in a dance that reforms our being as well as the world around us. Spirit dances at this level underneath appearance and form, everywhere, all the time. Here is love and joy and beauty, all in the form of an iris, a pebble, or another human being.

(© 5/2015)

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