On a recent sunny afternoon I was walking with my beloved on a rain-green hillside above Boulder. In spite of the colorful flowers, clear blue sky, and my beloved’s company, I was a bit heavy at heart. A little inner questioning and exploration of the feeling brought up self worth, a sense of being unworthy, of disappointment in myself and how I am received in the world.
Wandering between flowering pine trees the inquiry turned next to which level of self is feeling the a lack of worth. Asking it to come forward I find myself engaged with a young child. My Self, the incarnated Soul, knows that it is worthy. Even when I am distressed it is always there underneath, providing a foundation. Over the years this has come to be more permanently available, and even my child knows that he is essentially worthy.
While the personal self starts off with the Soul’s memory and sense of worth, as it develops it becomes focused on the external world, so it wants other people to validate it. It is taught this, in school, in work, in life. Sitting on a rock, I can feel the self of my own worth, but also the young boy wanting so much to be recognized and validated, and that he wants to hear this from other people, not just from me, or my Self.
My beloved asks me to name out load the things my self wants to hear. A simple thing but it is like pulling teeth to let myself voice these things out loud. So many voices ring in my head saying that I’m above needing this, wanting to be ok without having someone say these things. I may have a sense of my qualities and worth, but it is immodest, unspiritual, arrogant to claim them.
A lot of resistance to speaking these inner needs, the wanting of my inner child. I feel ashamed to speak them myself, or to share them with my beloved. She is giving me permission, inviting me to share, and it’s still hard.
When, finally, I do speak them, the things I like about myself, that I want to be acknowledged, I feel unexpectedly better; lighter and more open hearted. I am now present with my beloved and the day.
My inner child self has been heard. The most important thing for parts of self, is simply to be heard. I don’t need to find other people to say these things, even if at first that was the inner desire and expectation. Voicing them out loud, I have released the self-judgement that I am being petty, needy, or all the other things.
Releasing self judgement.. hmm.. How can I feel worthy when I’m judging my self. Especially judging my self about how it wants to feel worthy. Not likely. Once I have listened to my child self, allowed my self to voice what I like about myself, what it wanted to hear, it has relaxed.
So at the end of the story it is not about being validated by others, but about releasing invalidation of my self. As long as that is there, how can any outer validation compete. Knowing that its not my Soul, or Higher Self, but listening to it anyway. Telling it what I appreciate about it, allowing myself to value my self, out loud.
Acknowledging the worth of my self, I more fully access the innate worth of Self.
(© 6/2015)
