by Alan McAllister, CCHt PhD-phys
In relationships of all sorts there are some aspects of ourselves that we bring to the table and others that we keep to ourselves. Which aspects we bring and which we keep varies a great deal from one relationship to another. What feels appropriate for a collegial relationship at work is usually different from what we bring to an intimate personal relationship.
Like most things in life there are no real hard and fast rules; there may be colleagues who are friends and our friends may be interested in our work, but generally we share unique aspects of ourselves in each relationship.
A deeper distinction is between sharing thoughts and feelings. While some thoughts may be intimate in nature, for most of us it is the feelings and our ability to share these in a relationship that is more a measure of the depth of the relationship. Most particularly our feelings about the other person and about ourselves.
You may at times have met people who were “too open”. Who seemed to toss their emotions/feelings all over the place. We need to take a page from the book on Non Violent Communication, and notice that there are many things that can masquerade as “feelings”. If I say that “I feel you are…” what comes next is most likely a judgment or a thought in disguise. This sort of “sharing” is usually not so constructive.
The idea that the more we share in a relationship the better is worth looking at a little. This is perhaps best framed as a quality versus quantity issue. What are we sharing? If I am sharing judgments, or opinions, or advice in any form, it is not likely to be well received, unless you have specifically asked for this. So what is quality sharing?
Often I am wanting to share my bright side, my abilities and skills. Not that this is wrong, but if it is all I do, then there is a lack of depth and balance. My friends or partners may feel I’m holding back, or being dishonest. So I may be encouraged to share some of my less brilliant side, even my shadow aspects.
Many of us are looking for this, to be able to safely “open up” to share sorrow, pain, anger, with another. If it can be done honestly and in a place of sharing, rather than projecting, or demanding help or healing, then it can be freeing for us and help to deepen a relationship. The key is ownership. Can I own my shadow as I share it, or am I simply projecting it on you, or asking you to take it for me?
The extent to which a relationship has space (with ownership) for the shadow as well as the light is often seen as a measure of its strength and depth. However, there is another level of “opening up” which is even more profound.
We have been discussing aspects personality, who we are as human incarnations this lifetime. Some of this we are glad to show and other parts we tend to protect or hide. When creating relationships where we can open this up, is a good thing, taking it to the level of the soul is what is really profound. As souls what we really seek is to connect to other souls, to be seen as souls and to be allowed to see others on this level. We have often learned to hide this part of ourselves, sometimes even from ourselves, but when we have the courage and the freedom to “be ourselves” with another person it transcends the level of light and shadow of the personality.
When we can connect and experience support on the soul level then the issue of shadow aspects is much less important. We ourselves are more able to take ownership and heal them. The fact that someone can see us as a soul and appreciate us on that level trumps the personality levels. Here, also, ownership is important. We need to connect to ourselves, find our own soul, before we can share it. A lover or friend may help us in this, but we can learn to drop into this deeper level of self. It’s there waiting for us. We need to balance true opening on this level with ownership and transmutation of the shadow aspects of the personality. Skipping over that will eventually come back to haunt us.
Starting with your relationship with yourself, openness is something to cultivate, but with clarity and honesty. Most importantly with ownership. No matter how open we are on the personality level, even with ownership, it is the soul that we are seeking, in all our relationships. To connect to it and express it clearly and cleanly is what we have come here for.
So take some time to reflect on your relationships, what and how you are sharing. Seek ownership on all levels and open your self to dropping into your own soul before sharing it with others.
May all your relationships be full of the breath of soul.
(© 6/2009)
