by Alan McAllister, CCHt PhD-phys
I still remember when, 3-4 years after marrying a lady from a different culture, it dawned on me that we might have very different concepts of what marriage meant! We came from very different stories, so of course, “well Duh!” But how often do we assume we are on the same page in a relationship only to find out later that the stories were different? It might be large, “obvious” to an outsider, or subtle and at the edges of awareness, but these are always there. In every relationship there are actually three stories, mine, yours, and some form of ours.
When you go to look for a romantic partner, are you really open to discovering a new and unique human being, a soul manifesting through a unique personality and story? Or do you look for someone who is willing to fit a slot/role in our story of who we are? Perhaps not consciously.. but?
We start life in relationship with our parents, who we may have chosen on the soul level, but not consciously on the personality level. They just are there for us, in whatever way they show up. The same is true with other family members, and even childhood teachers and other authority figures.
These are relationships that we have little choice about being in, and we have little room to negotiate their form. They are largely one-way in terms of whose personality and story define them. In fact these are relationships that define our personality and story. As they are our first relationships, forming before we have developed critical thinking or a clear sense of our independent emotional self, they lay down the templet for all relationships in general.
In many societies and traditional cultures, the story of our family, tribe, nation, becomes our story, and the personalities we encounter in our family form a large part of our personality. We may love them or hate them, but we usually work a line that leads towards or away from these initial relationships.
In these societies, as we grow older, we come together to form new relationships with friends, partners, spouses and the stories of these new relationships may already be determined in large part by the social and family stories. As a man I am looking not for a soul that matches my soul, but for a woman who fits the story of a good wife, however that is defined. Or of a good mistress, or some other story role that is already defined. A woman is looking for her prince, or husband, or frog. There may be more than one role, but we are often looking for a character in our story, rather than an encounter with another soul.
In our modern world, we may think that we have escaped the stories. Perhaps we have just opened up our options and have so many more to choose from. There is much more flux and flexibility in the social and sometimes the family stories open to us. We live in a country, and more and more a world, were we encounter people who come from widely diverse cultural and familial backgrounds. So those people we meet are unlikely to actually carry the same story as us, though neither of us may be aware of this consciously.
In creating a relationship with someone who does not inherently share the same basic story, there is almost always a challenge to find a common story. Perhaps there is a competition to see whose personal story will form the basis for the relationship. Perhaps two people meet who are naturally leader and follower, though this is part of the story too. Some of us may not like our stories and be open to finding someone else’s to step into, or may simply discount ourself to the extent we give up our story in order to have a relationship.
So in various ways the common relationship story may be formed from one person’s story while the other goes along. This may be a smoother process or perhaps one with a significant level of conflict. But it is a matter of personalities and stories interacting, rather than people connecting as souls. It is a largely unconscious dance, rather than a conscious co-creation of a new shared story.
Or perhaps we look for someone who we have a limited relationship with, so the story is not as encompassing. We have short encounters where the story isn’t really important longer term, or people are stepping out of their overall story into a brief “fantasy” or exploration. If you just see someone every other weekend, or in other limited contexts, you can created a relationship that leaves much of your story untouched. This may be co-created or not, personal or soul level or not.
As a relationship moves into more inclusive territory, perhaps you are spending more time together, or becoming more intimate, or moving in together or marrying and starting a family. At each level the relationship story, the joint story expands, and there may be less room for individual stories independent from the relationship. These could be large things; when and how you make love? to have children or not? or smaller things; how many blankets? what foods to eat? what sort of movies to go to? or would you rather go hiking?
There are negotiations, battles, and sometimes conscious co-creation, but as a relationship deepens its story becomes more important, and the personal stories may diminish. As we are conscious of this process, we may think about what we will loose in personal freedom, where will we have to compromise, or give up power, in order to be in relationship? This is still a dance of stories.
How often do we come to a relationship as two souls looking to explore each other and create a new story together? How far are we willing to let go of our existing stories in this process? Do we need someone who will match our story so we don’t have to negotiate? Can we step into our soul being enough to let the old stories go and be excited about creating something new? Perhaps this is never 100%, but it shifts the process from a dance of stories, to one of people. There are no right or wrong answers here. But there are consequences of needing to stay in our own story, of fearing to step into someone else’s story, or of letting go of our soul to accept a story, our’s or our partners.
As we come to know our friends or lovers, or even our families over the years we must expect that our story will change a bit in each relationship; or perhaps a lot. We can think of this as being willing to surrender ourself for the relationship and be afraid, or we may think of it as being willing to let go of an old story in order to create something new and be excited. Or, because we are human, both at the same time, or in a constantly shifting mixture.
Perhaps in the end the more we are willing to let go our story does not, as we often fear, have to be a process of losing ourself in a relationship, but can be a conscious, loving, process of choice, through which we are able to find more of our selves and our soul. A process of true co-creation of a new shared story with a partner, in which we are both aware of ourselves as souls who create stories, rather than competing personalities that have been created by stories.
(© 8/2008)
