Sometimes I make a change in life which completely makes sense. It feels like the right choice. And my guidance backs it up. But the change still kicks up a significant emotional charge of grief, fear, and/or anger. A few months ago I was moving things out of my latest office when this happened. My beloved looked at me with her keen insight and asked me what was up, bringing my attention home from the busyness of managing the move.
Parts of me want to push the emotions away, to make me feel better, and today I give myself space to simply observe them. I don’t want to make my self wrong, but I can choose not to follow its lead. These emotions are something old surfacing and I pause and welcome them into my awareness (like Rumi’s Guest House). As I focus on staying present, a whole constellation of memories, feelings, and beliefs flow past. Witnessing them, I anchor on my breath and the sensations I’m feeling in my body.
For the first time in over a decade I am not moving my things to a new office. There is no new office. So I am handing my furniture over to people who will sell it for me. The other day I had a phone conversation with my landlord, which felt cold, unfriendly and “all business”. This triggered a belief that I don’t operate well in business. It comes down to expecting I will have to fight to get what I think is right to happen. But I don’t want to close my heart and play a dog eat dog sort of business game. My heart wants to stay open and play with people who understand the power of a win-win approach.
I brought that expectation with me into the move today. Part of me simply wants to run away and hide. Away from fearful people playing fear games around money. It’s a powerful physical sensation in my chest. A bit hard to breath. I come back to witnessing my breath, and all the rest.
How do I thread the needle between fight and flight? To be present as my Self, true to my heart, and to neither be pushed around, nor to engage in battle. I stand in the now empty room, asking this question of my Self, of Spirit. Just holding it amid the swirl of releasing emotion. Show me how to do this thing in a good way? How to release what doesn’t serve me, all my fears, and show up in my power without having to fight?
I keep breathing. Slowly the fear moves through and I am able to inhabit my body again. Threading the needle by holding firmly to the question, I find spaciousness and the answer comes to me: just BE in my heart, hold to that and engage from there. Let go of the fears and memories as they arise. My strength is in my Being.
Later, I arranged to meet with the man who had triggered my fear, to turn over my keys. I didn’t need to, but it felt right to be present with myself and with him in that way. When we do meet all is cool. My fear is behind me, and there is no sense of the competition or conflict that I had projected into the relationship. He is actually friendly and helpful.
Staying with the fear and letting it move through not only cleared me, but it has brought me to a different outcome in the world as well. Staying with my Self, resting in my heart, I have been able to move from there in a good way after all.
(© 08/2018)
