When I was first studying t’ai chi, there was a period when I took a train and walked several miles across the city to get to class. Some weeks I was tired, sore, or feeling slightly ill, but I learned that if I could drag myself into class, I would always feel much better when I left. Any physical aches would be on the surface, not necessarily gone, but overlaying a whole, vibrant energy in the core of my limbs. This deeper level had been there all along, but the class would help me to bring it into awareness, to shift my attention from the tired, achy, surface.
When I am identified with my human, egoic, self, I feel the need for external validation and develop attachments and expectations. When these are not met I tend to feel a lack and wanting, perhaps a resentment for not receiving what I need, or believe I deserve. This is a painful place and can make it uncomfortable to walk out in the world, or difficult to show up the way I want to for the people I know. The more I shift into connection with my Self, and stand in my essence, these needs and attachments move to the periphery of my awareness. Standing in my core I know that I am whole and validated by Spirit unconditionally, and the human suffering either doesn’t arise or is much easier to bring compassion to.
In my human self, the thought of letting go of my ego defenses, my attachments, my emotional armor, is terrifying, because in that place that is all I am. If, spurred by the suffering that comes with these attachments I follow the perennial teachings and release them, I am may also shrink back from life, from engagement, collapsing into a hollow core, giving up my presence in the world. Give up and walk away.
In another city, a later t’ai chi teacher said relaxing was the core principle; including letting go of emotional and mental tension and holding. However, that did not mean to go limp, like over-cooked noodles. It is important to remain alive and present within the outer relaxation.The goal is similarly to shift awareness to the core of living, flowing, chi, your essential being.
Shedding layers of armor and attachment to validation or attention, is like shedding a suit.You can stay present, in your glorious naked Self, knowing that you are supported from Spirit and strong in your Essence, rather than running away and leaving empty clothes to collapse on the stage. Standing in your essence, it is easier to let go of fear, tension, holding and wanting, because these are just a covering. Keeping your Self, you are still present in the world and your relationships, self-validated, Spirit validated.
The egoic sense of importance crumbles and with it the need for external validation, but in the awareness of your own Self you are full of certainty and joy that needs no validation. As the outer layers are shedding and falling off, they are likely to grab for your attention. There is no need to beat yourself up, to run and hide from the world, to collapse emotionally and mentally. Just keep remembering who you are, shifting your attention back to your essential Self. Standing firm in the midst of the deconstruction, you are increasingly whole and alive with your own life force. You are becoming naked as the angels are naked, not needing clothes to enhance or armor to protect your magnificence. Stay present and let it shine.
(© 2/2013)
