by Alan McAllister, CCHt PhD-phys
Coasting down Vail pass, westbound on a spring morning several years ago, I am meditating on the emotional attitudes to driving that I absorbed from my parents growing up. I have long been aware of my father’s tendency to be angry more easily behind the wheel than in many other situations, something that has at times made me nervous as a passenger, both with him and with other people as well. I have also at times noticed the same thing in myself. On this morning I suddenly notice in myself that this is my mother’s fear, which had become my fear of his anger. Which became my fear of my own anger, which arose in part as a reaction to her fear and resulting control.
Round and round the mulberry bush we go.
Often times, as we sort through our lives, we notice the affect that one of our parents has had on us. One of them is, perhaps, much more obvious and we focus on that one. We work hard to let go of their energy, to release programming, beliefs, emotional charges: but with only partial success. What I have realized this morning however, as I glide now past Vail and on west along I-70, is that I have incorporated both halves of their dynamic, and that becoming aware of the second, less visible, component can be a key to clearing the full effects of the more visible one as well.
The doorways that let in the influence of one parent may have their source in the other parent. As a couple their dynamics matched up, and we often take on both parts. So I take on the fear of one parent, which creates a doorway to take on the behavior of the other, and to be fearful of similar behavior in other people as I grow up. I am myself both angry and afraid, an internalized dynamic that has more than one part, each triggering and regenerating the other. Cut off only one head and the other is still there, in the shadows, from which to regenerate the first. Like the Hydra of legend we need to address them all at once.
A later time: I’m looking at work and responsibility, conscious of my mother’s fear around money, her sense that, driven by survival needs, work must to look a certain way to be OK. This has been quite obvious for a long time, as she has made it obvious, believing this to be part of her parental duty to keep me safe. But underneath, if I look for my father, I find his pictures that paired with her.
I realize that I have a long practice of matching his acquiescence to her fears, his self limiting for the good of the family. Consciously it is relatively easy to become aware of the whip hand, the controlling factor, but not so much of the sense of being whipped, controlled, the giving up of aspects of oneself for the “good” of the family. This is more passive and therefore harder to notice.
But this is just the energy that “lets mom get in”, that buys into the paradigm that generates the fear and the control in reaction to the fear. This doorway will let in other fears, and allow other controls. No matter how many times we clear these out, or extract ourselves from controlling people or situations, the doorway is still there, unnoticed but open wide. Becoming aware of the “shadow parent” side is critical to permanently clearing the influence of the “obvious parent” as well.
Releasing my father’s energy, his pictures, decisions, (without judgement, perhaps even with gratitude, as he did his best) allows me to begin to create my own dynamic. One in which work can be many things that it wasn’t for him. One in which I can really let slide my mother’s worries and fears, her limiting pictures.
Sometimes the labeling of parents as “obvious” or “shadow” may be clear, sometimes not. They may take turns, playing it one way on some issues and the other on others. Or perhaps they are both obvious or both hidden. But just as in our own relationships “it always takes two to tango”, there is always some part for each of us in each dynamic or drama, so the family we grew up in was created by two souls in human form, dancing their dance for two.
So whenever you come face to face with aspects of one parent that you have taken on or are in resistance to, look in the shadows for the other, and notice how that side of the dynamic affects your life as well. Perhaps this is the key to unlocking some stubborn old issues.
Breathing deeply, relaxing into who you are, be freer to go forth without the fear, without the anger, without the control or self-limitation. Show up in the moment as happy and playful, following your soul’s calling, and creating your life from your own vision and inspiration.
PS. It is important to remember that this has everything to do with understanding our own process and where we have taken our programming from. It is not about judging our parents, as that will actually make clearing things more difficult.
(© 4/2008)
