Sometimes I am afraid to be powerful. But who is afraid? the part that is powerful, my Self, my Soul? or the small self that feels it must stay in control or be overwhelmed by Life. The small self wants to be powerful, but only if it is in control. Letting the power of my Being loose might take me to unknown, unexpected places.
Once, years ago, I stumbled upon an inner dynamic that embodied this. A young part of my self was so scared of the spiritual growth that I consciously pursued that it would hobble me in manifesting what I wanted in the world. This part believed that if I achieved spiritual empowerment, personally and in my work, that it would be abandoned.
Tracking backwards, this belief grew from early experiences with hospital anesthetics, a car accident in my teens that blacked me out for a short time, and other knock-outs growing up. When my body was in most danger my spirit would leave. The fact that my spirit was leaving due to external causes beyond its control didn’t matter. My physical self felt overwhelmed and abandoned.
It is not about what “actually happened”, or the intentions of my Spirit, it was a deep emotional experience that is being held onto and acted on in ways that hinder my conscious intentions. While there may have been past life times when escaping the physical body was a primary goal of my spiritual practice, that is not true this time. Today I am learning how to be present in my body, pursuing sacred union of Body, Mind and Soul.
The old distrust, however, runs deep, and still manifests in my life. I’ve written about how fear arises when Spirit wants to move through me into the world. Echoed in learning to rise my horse, where I get to dance with a being that is greater than my physical self, to connect so that we can move together in a harmonious way. But I have to trust, the horse, my Self, Spirit.
In many areas of life I consciously want to show up powerfully and engage with other powerful beings, but I hesitate. Now I’m understanding that my small self’s mistrust is of the power of my own Self. It just spills over to all the rest.
In relationship, on one level we want to be partnered with a powerful, confident person, and yet this means we are not in full control. That person and the relationship may feel more powerful than we are at times. Maybe they are, and maybe they aren’t, but it feels that way to the part of me that can’t even trust my own power. Co-creating relationship with another human being, means I have to trust them, trust my Self to take care of my self, and trust Spirit.
We are powerful beings. When I am in my power I revel in relationship with my beloved, with my horse, with my Self. When I have cycled into the parts of self that feel small and powerless, even my own Being feels overwhelming and scary, because the small self has to give up control and trust. Allowing my power to manifest means I have to comfort my small self and trust in Self and Spirit. They may take me places I never dreamed of, but that’s what I really want, isn’t it?
(© 12/2015)
